doisconvolution

eversince my birthday i have been feeling anxious. there are too many things on my mind right now. i hate these thoughts and i try my best to rationalize and do self cognitive therapies in order to change these "negative" thoughts.

anxiety..pressure..i’m feeling this pressure to hurry up.. and this internal struggle to choose. i guess i’m getting too ambiguous here. it’s because i hate this topic and as a modern woman thriving in the contemporary world - i believe that i should not be worrying about these "backward" thinking…but the truth is: I  AM.

so ok… for honesty’s sake let me spill the beans:

I AM FEELING THE NEED TO SETTLE DOWN WITH A LIFE MATE AND PROCREATE - START HAVING CHILDREN.

its like inside me the sense of urgency could not be repressed. maybe this is what they call biological clock? or maybe i’m just PMS-ing. but the thing is, the feeling is still there even when after my rags has started. to the point where i almost end up crying for the things i still cannot have at this moment.

sure i have a boyfriend who dearly loves me soo much. but i cant help but unconciously spite him for taking soooo much time to save his resources and muster up the courage to ask me THE QUESTION…i know he’s just being responsible by making sure we have what we need before doing the "marriage" thing, but somehow some inner bridezilla in me is waiting to unleash itself.

sure i have the job that can pay for the mortgage that i want, for childcare and registered educational plans for my future offsprings… but it will take another 2-3 years for me to clear my present financial entanglements - the student loan i took in order to get myself an education.

sure i have the readiness of an excited and expectant mother… but i just cant do that right now for i also want to travel the world (or at least 2 continents).

i wish there was something i can do right now to quiet these anxious thoughts….

yesterday was a happy day. as some of you may know, it was my birthday yesterday. i turned 27. at first the thought of becoming 27 scared me - 2 years past 25 indeed is a long time already. i looked back at my life and thought of what i have accomplished so far -at 27. and instead of being disappointed from the thought of what may have been and of what did and didn’t happen, i was surprised to feel peace and bliss of the things that have happenned so far.

as some of you may know, my life was on hold for 5 years. with the big move to a different country, to going back to university from scratch, and finding my first "professional" job when my contemporaries have already moved up the corporate ladder and started spurting out small versions of themselves and their loved ones. to have BIG plans for oneself and have some other people decide your fate is a big deal. but i now realize it was the best decision my parents made to date.

for 5 years i have learned: how it is to work so you can help your family survive in a strange and new land, to send myself to school and work at the same time without the financial help of my parents, and that other people of different cultures and background are not so different from me.

and for 5 years i have appreciated the fruits of hard labour - to have graduated and to find a great job without the help of family and some cronies to get you into a secure job spot.

knowing all these things, i felt myself content. now i can move on in my life the way i want it to be and do the things that i am looking forward to in the future - graduate school all the way to my PhD, settling down with my loved one and buying a property of my own, travel the world, and eventually spurt out mini-me’s-& he’s.

here’s to me and the many birthdays ahead…CHEERS!

—o0o—

yesterday was a fund day as well. my colleagues treat me out to lunch (and i had the mango-rita, virgin of course coz we still had to go back to work; and the biggest meatball i’ve ever seen with my spaggheti and meatball, and casear’s salad). me, my sis, and tommy took me to Moxies for dinner - and i had a medium well steak with my salad, and the yummiest brownie cake i’ve ever tasted…